The Adventures Of Admiral Curtain Drawers
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril has a brief fling with a friend of a friend of Krieger's. This is where things get weird.


**I admit it. I misplaced the disclaimer that tells you that I don't own any Archer characters. Or any Sea Lab ones! Look this weird strange idea came out of my demented mind right after Krieger Marches For Science. Just enjoy the weird strange ride. So strange I came up with two different titles.**

 **The Adventures of Admiral Curtain Drawers**

 **Or**

 **Cyril Does Debbie**

"And that's when I decided to pull the ol' invisible smoke bomb routine and run like hell," Krieger added. He was retelling the events of that day's science protest to Ray, Pam and Cheryl in the front of the office.

"So, this Quinn guy just left his girlfriend behind to be arrested?" Pam asked.

"Yup," Krieger nodded. "So she used her one phone call to break up with him. Quinn just texted me the whole thing. Now he's going off to a strip club to see if he can bang some willing stripper. Or anyone else who's willing."

"Wow," Ray remarked. "That's a lot like Archer and Lana."

"They are a reverse Archer and Lana," Krieger said. "You know? He's black. She's white…"

"We get the message," Pam nodded.

"And they're both doctors…" Krieger added.

"While Archer and Lana are both idiots," Cheryl added.

"Exactly," Krieger nodded. "And now Debbie will find some guy to get back at Quinn. And then take a picture of that guy's dick to rub in his face."

"Phrasing," Pam quipped.

"And then in retaliation Quinn will hit on the biggest breasted woman he can find and take her picture…" Krieger said. "Then both of them with fight it out until they get back together, dumping whoever they hooked up with in the first place."

"Wow," Pam said. "This is **exactly** like Archer and Lana."

"Well maybe not exactly like Archer and Lana…" Krieger said.

WHAM!

They turned around to hear the sound of a door slamming. Stumbling into the agency was Cyril and a familiar blonde woman making out like crazy.

"My office is this way…" Cyril gasped for a moment before kissing Debbie again.

"Yes! Let's do it in your office!" Debbie gasped. "You do have an office, right?"

"Yes! It's **my agency!"** Cyril motioned with his head. "See?"

"Oh good!" Debbie noticed the sign on the wall saying FIGGIS AGENCY. "I love a man who has his own business! It's so…"

"Financially responsible?" Cyril said.

"YES!" Debbie squealed. "Financially responsible!"

They started kissing and made their way to Cyril's office. Cyril locked the door behind him. Leaving the rest of the Figgis Agency in surprise.

"Okay," Krieger blinked. "Now it's **exactly** like Archer and Lana!"

"Wait was **that** …?" Pam did a double take.

"That was Debbie," Krieger said.

"Are you sure?" Ray asked.

"YES! YES! YES!" Debbie squealed.

"Definitely," Krieger nodded. "That's Debbie all right."

"OH MY GOD!" Debbie screamed. "THAT THING IS **HUGE!** "

"Man," Ray said. "Quinn's gonna get pissed when he sees **that** picture."

The next day…

"Damn it," Ray groaned as he came out of the breakroom with Krieger. "It's lucky neither Lana nor Ms. Archer are here."

"Well Ms. Archer's at the hospital again all day," Krieger said. "And since the school has the day off Lana is spending time with her daughter. Plus, it is Friday so…"

"So why are we **here**?" Ray asked.

"I literally live in my lab," Krieger shrugged. "Have a nice gurney to sleep on and everything. What? It cuts down on my expenses."

"How do you take a shower?"

"There's one in my lab," Krieger said. "Or if I'm feeling sociable I go to the Y. It's a great way to meet people!"

"I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done that once or twice," Ray said.

Pam and Cheryl were still in the bullpen that doubled as the front of the office. Surrounded by donuts, bear claws, breakfast sandwiches and various drinks. "Hey guys!" Pam waved. "Want a brewski?"

"It's nine in the morning," Ray said.

"Mimosa?" Pam asked.

"Yeah okay," Ray said. He and Krieger took one.

"OH YES! YES! YES!" Debbie was heard shouting.

"So are they uh…?" Krieger pointed.

"Still banging," Pam said as she ate a breakfast burrito.

"I heard," Ray said.

"The whole freaking neighborhood can hear that," Cheryl said. "So why did we bother coming into work again? I mean, Ms. Archer isn't coming in. And Lana's not coming in…"

"OH CYRIL!" Debbie squealed.

"And Debbie is clearly…" Ray began.

"Phrasing!" Krieger said. "Maybe we should take off to a bar or something?"

"And miss this **freak show?"** Pam pointed to the door. "No way!"

"Did you guys stay here all night?" Ray asked.

"No!" Cheryl said. "We went to a bar. Took a nap in Pam's office. Then went out to get breakfast. Then came back here."

"I highly suspect those two have been in there all night," Pam said. "Cyril does have that mini fridge…"

"Oh God Cyril that was amazing," Debbie purred as the door opened. The two were putting their clothes back on. "I am exhausted…Is that a mimosa?"

"Here you go," Pam handed her a drink.

Debbie downed it in one gulp. "AAHH!"

"Any water?" Cyril looked a little tired but happy.

"Here you go," Pam handed him a bottle. "Figured you would need it."

"Thanks…" Cyril was about to open it. "Wait it's not Krieger Springs, is it?"

"Nope," Pam pointed to the label. "Check the label."

"Oh right," Cyril did. "Sorry…Vision's a little blurry."

"Dehydration is the enemy," Ray said.

"Well I had some water in the cooler…" Cyril said before he took a drink.

"I'm going home," Debbie purred. "I need some rest desperately. Call you later for dinner…"

"And dessert…" Cyril purred back.

"Oh you!" Debbie grinned. She looked at her phone. "God I need to recharge my phone. And my…You know? So see you tonight Huggy Bear."

"Bye Bye Debbie Cake," Cyril giggled as he waved goodbye.

"Bye!" Debbie waved to Cyril. "Oh hey Krieger…" She left the agency.

"Isn't she something?" Cyril sighed with joy.

"Oh yeah," Krieger rolled his eyes. "She's **something** all right."

"So uh you had a busy night huh, Huggy Bear?" Pam asked.

"You are not going to believe what happened to me," Cyril giggled.

"Try us," Ray said dryly. "We're extremely gullible."

"Well I went down to the police station to get Milton out of the impound lot," Cyril said. "Oh wait did I bring him back...? It doesn't matter because when I was down there I saw this beautiful woman arguing about her rights."

"And you decided to be the knight in sweater vest armor to rescue the damsel out of her dress," Ray quipped.

"Yeah that's basically what happened," Cyril nodded. "Her name's Dr. Debbie Dupree! She's a marine biologist! She used to work in a sea lab!"

"Imagine that," Krieger said dryly.

"And guess what?" Cyril said. "It's the same sea lab Cecil Tunt funded! Until you know? The crew abandoned Captain Murphy. Apparently, he was a real nut job."

"I would have thought the whole fake nerve gas incident was a bit of a clue about that," Ray quipped.

"Well I told her all about that mission and Murphy dying by a vending machine," Cyril said. "It's a small world, isn't it?"

"Freaking microscopic," Pam remarked.

"Long story short," Cyril began.

"Too late," Cheryl quipped.

"I managed to get the charges dropped against Debbie and she was so grateful…" Cyril grinned.

"We managed to piece together **that** part of the puzzle," Ray interrupted.

"So you just picked up some strange at the police station?" Pam asked. "Yeah I've been there. Only usually I'm the strange."

"So uh, I'm gonna go home and…recharge!" Cyril grinned. "See ya!" He left the room.

"Wow," Krieger said. "I mean…Wow!"

"Just when you think this storyline can't repeat itself in new and stupid ways," Cheryl remarked. "It did."

"So uh," Pam thought aloud. "Anybody want to Google Debbie Does Figgis online?"

"Oh my God yes!" Ray said.

"I know the web page," Krieger said.

Soon they were all eating various pastries and drinking mimosas while looking at a few laptops scattered among themselves. "God this Debbie is a tramp," Cheryl giggled at the laptop on her lap.

"Yeah, she's been around all right," Krieger agreed as he and Ray looked at another computer on a table.

"According to all these pictures she's been around the block more times than the Good Humor Man," Pam quipped as she looked at a laptop on her own at her chair. "I am so putting this site on my favorites list."

"Is that Quinn?" Ray pointed. "He seems nice."

"That's Quinn…" Krieger nodded.

"Hey did you know she has her own porn series?" Pam asked.

"More like her taking off her top at various locations and monuments," Krieger told her. "But yes…"

"She has like every guy she slept with on here," Cheryl said. "Pictures…Ratings…"

"Ratings?" Ray said. "Are you telling me she rates…?"

"Everything," Pam said. "From how they perform in bed to the length of their dicks."

"With the final total on a scale from one to five," Pam said. "Honestly Cyril's dong should get him at least a four."

"Refresh your page," Krieger said. "He's on it!"

"Already?" Ray gasped. "Wow Debbie does not waste time, does she?"

"No, she doesn't," Krieger agreed. "Four and a half!"

"And she has pictures…HELLO MALE NURSE!" Cheryl whooped.

"Wow," Ray looked. "And that's not even a close up."

"It's damn impressive I gotta admit," Pam said. "You could use that thing for a baseball bat in the World Series but then they'd have to throw it out because it's too big to be regulation."

"Okay people we have some serious investigating to do!" Ray said. "Looks like it's gonna be an all day and all-nighter!"

"I'll go on a drink run," Pam agreed.

Hours later…

"It's endless," Ray said as he scrolled through the website. His jacket and tie were off and there were empty cartons of Chinese food on his table. "It's just endless on how many guys she dated."

"I know, right?" Cheryl said. "Oh my God! She's had sex in the rosebushes at Tunt Manor! I knew I wasn't hearing squirrels that day!"

"Which time?" Ray asked. "It was five times according to this website. Granted it looks like three of them were during the time we were all in San Marcos and…Hang on! Is that **Woodhouse?** "

"I think it is," Krieger realized.

"What's with all the strobe lights and everything?" Cheryl asked.

"I think Woodhouse had a rave in your mansion while we were gone," Ray guessed. "Oh yeah, check this link to a video."

The sounds of a huge rave emanated from the computer. "Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "That's a rave all right."

"And that's **definitely** Woodhouse," Pam nodded. "Oh my God! My eyes can ever unsee that!"

"He got a four," Cheryl said. "Good for him."

A few more hours later…

"Guys! I found something!" Pam gasped. "It's a review of a trip she took to the French Polynesian Islands a few years ago!"

"Yeah so?" Ray asked.

"At Harry's Hideaway Bar," Pam said. "Where she slept with Randy the Bartender."

"Wait a minute…" Ray realized. "Isn't that…?"

"Uh huh," Pam nodded.

"And wasn't Archer…?" Krieger began.

"Uh huh…" Pam nodded.

"Oh my God!" Cheryl realized. "This means she also slept with Archer!"

"Well let's get a positive ID," Krieger pulled up the picture. "And…"

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn," Ray said in stunned shock.

"Ha! Ha!" Cheryl laughed. "He only got a three…"

"Out of five it's still pretty good," Pam said. "But yeah Cyril beat him easily."

" **Woodhouse** beat him easily!" Cheryl laughed. "Oh my God that's funny!"

"For some reason," Ray smirked. "It's also very fitting."

WHAM!

Cyril and Debbie entered in, making out again. "Speaking of fitting…" Pam quipped.

"So how's your second date going?" Ray called out.

Cyril held a thumbs up while still making out with Debbie. Then he went into his office with Debbie. Very distinct sounds were heard as soon as the door was closed.

"Anybody want to go on a food and drink run?" Ray sighed.

"You go ahead," Pam waved.

"Get some more good scotch," Cheryl said.

"Will do," Ray sighed. "Come on Krieger…"

"Can we try a chicken place this time?" Krieger asked. "For some reason, I really could go for KFC."

"Me too," Pam said.

Even later….

"All-nighter! All-nighter!" Cheryl danced around. "We're having an all-nighter!"

"So is Cyril," Ray remarked as he ate some fried chicken. The sounds of sex were still heard from Cyril's office. "They are **going** at it!"

"I know some lab rabbits that would be jealous," Krieger admitted.

"They haven't stopped for hours!" Pam admitted.

"Oh wait, I think they stopped now…" Cheryl stopped dancing.

Suddenly the door opened. Cyril casually walked out wearing nothing but a curtain around his waist. "Excuse me," He walked over and picked up a bucket of chicken and a bottle of Scotch. "Thank you!" Then he went back into the office and locked the door.

"Well they do need to refuel," Pam admitted.

About another hour later…

"Man, this whole section devoted to her on again/off again boyfriend is really something," Pam whistled as she read. "Listen to this…I don't know if Quinn will ever be mature enough to have a baby. Sometimes I think it would be easier to steal his sperm and have it on my own."

"Okay that's just uncanny," Krieger admitted.

"You should read her poetry section," Cheryl said. "So wonderfully dark and disturbing."

"There is just so much information on this website it's unbelievable," Pam remarked.

"We haven't done this much research and investigating since this damn agency opened!" Ray told them.

"I know…" Pam began.

Just then the door opened again. Cyril walked out calmly still only wearing the curtain. But now he had a newspaper hat on. Debbie walked out with him, wearing a newspaper bikini and a hat.

"Uh the ladies' room is right down that door," Cyril pointed.

"Thank you!" Debbie grinned as she went there.

"Everyone," Cyril said.

"Admiral Curtain Drawers," Ray mock saluted.

Cyril went into the men's bathroom. Everyone looked at each other. Wordlessly they knew what to do. The women went after Debbie and the men went after Cyril.

Soon Cyril was out of the bathroom. He was washing his hands and he saw Ray and Krieger there. "Hi guys!" He said cheerfully.

"Cyril," Ray said. "I'd ask how it's hanging but uh from what we can hear…"

"Guys Debbie is **amazing**!" Cyril said happily.

"That is not a word I would use to describe the situation," Krieger groaned. "Unbelievable yes. Amazing no."

Back in the Women's rest room…

"Okay maybe amazing isn't the perfect word," Debbie said. "But whatever it is…I mean…Cyril is…His penis is…"

"Hung like an elephant we know," Cheryl said.

Back in the Men's room…

"I know we just met," Cyril said. "But it feels so right! I think she might be my soulmate!"

In the Women's room…

"He's the one guy who is going to show Quinn up!" Debbie grinned. "I mean come on! I had to use the wide lens on my camera to take a picture! And even then I had to back up!"

"Good camera work by the way," Cheryl said. "We saw the picture."

"Thank you!" Debbie grinned. "This will teach Quinn to let me get arrested! He thinks he's so great because he's got so many freaking doctorate degrees! Well maybe you should have gotten a degree on how to be a good boyfriend asshole?"

Pam and Cheryl looked at each other. They both rolled their eyes and walked out of the bathroom. Meanwhile Debbie just kept on ranting.

"He thinks he can get any big breasted bitch he wants? Well newsflash Mr. Smart Ass…Oh sorry! **Doctor** Smart Ass! I can get a guy with a bigger dick! HA! And I have proof! He doesn't know how **good** he had it! But now that I'm free I'm getting it!"

Pam and Cheryl walked out and saw Ray and Krieger walking out. They looked at each other. "So?" Ray sighed.

"You ever hear a really good song by a really good jazz singer?" Pam asked. "And then some whiny little pop star comes out with a remake of the exact **same song**? It was like that."

"That was very similar to our experience," Krieger said. "Only in this case, the song was sung again by the original singer…But the original singer is older, fatter and his singing voice is a lot more tired."

"He thinks she's the one," Ray sighed.

"The one what?" Cheryl asked. "The one who will give him a venereal disease?"

"He's falling for her harder than a gargoyle statue onto the sidewalk," Krieger told them.

Both Cyril and Debbie came out of the bathroom. Giggled and walked back into Cyril's office where he locked the door. Everyone else gave each other looks and went back to the computers.

"Oh my god!" Pam looked at the screen. "Is that **Slater?"**

"I think it is," Ray looked at the screen. "Yup. Definitely Slater…That woman gets around more than a travel agent."

Later…

"Okay…" Krieger sighed. He had taken off his shirt and was wearing his lab coat. "So far we discovered Debbie has also slept with Archer, Woodhouse, Slater, Conway Stern believe it or not. Barry when he was still human a few years back. And now…Bilbo? She slept with _Bilbo_?"

"And Brett!" Ray pointed at another part of the website. "Somehow he got a five!"

"And all of them got higher marks than Archer," Cheryl laughed. "That's so funny!"

"God I'm tired," Pam yawned. "What time is it? Screw that. What **day** is it?"

"According to the computer it's 8:53," Krieger blinked. "On a Monday."

Ray asked. "Did we just spend the entire weekend listening to Cyril get laid and digging up dirt on his girlfriend?"

"And drinking," Pam added.

Cheryl nodded. "So it wasn't a total waste of time."

Cyril and Debbie emerged from the office fully clothed. "I can't believe we spent an entire weekend in your office," Debbie giggled.

"Well that's just the beginning Debbie Cake," Cyril beamed. "When you ride the Figgis Train it's ride of steady dependability. Steady lifelong service."

"Uh huh," Debbie said. Then her phone rang. "Hang on. I need to take this."

Debbie answered her phone. "What? Oh, it's **you**! What's wrong? Did you get tired of running? Oh I know you saw **that** picture! That's why I sent it to you! Uh huh. Uh huh. Nope. One hundred percent real. Yeah. Right. Well you shouldn't have. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. I accept your apology. Okay…8 O'clock it is. Bye."

Debbie hung up her phone. "Cyril it's been a lot of fun but I'm leaving you now. Like forever. So…See ya."

"Wait what?" Cyril did a double take. "Debbie Cake! What about the Figgis Train?"

"This is my stop," Debbie said. "Bye. Have a good life. Krieger…" She left the building.

"What just happened?" Cyril was bewildered.

"You got dumped," Cheryl told him.

"Huh?" Cyril asked.

"She used you and now she's done with you," Ray said. "And tossed you away like a dirty Kleenex."

"Again this is so much like what happens with Archer and Lana…" Pam couldn't believe it.

"I don't understand…" Cyril was genuinely crushed.

"Oh lord in heaven," Ray sighed. "Cyril…She has a boyfriend. Do you understand **that**?"

"Honestly I don't even understand how I got her to begin with," Cyril blinked. "But…Boyfriend? I thought I was her boyfriend!"

"Cyril," Ray went over to him and put his hand on his shoulder. "It's over. Let it go."

"But…" Cyril began.

"It's over," Ray said. "She wasn't the one."

"Make like Elsa and let it go," Krieger agreed.

"So she was just using me to get back at her boyfriend?" Cyril asked.

"And to get out of jail so yeah…" Ray said. "Cyril, I hate to do this but you need to see something."

"What?" Cyril asked as Ray guided him towards one of the laptops.

"This is for your own good," Ray sighed. "Look at the screen."

Cyril sat down and looked. "What the hell is this?"

"Debbie's revenge website," Pam sighed. "These are all the guys she slept with in order to get back at her boyfriend Quinn."

"And this page is only the favorites," Krieger said. "It's like Wiki Leaks for revenge porn. It just goes on and on."

"See there's the rating system…" Ray pointed. "There's well…Some other guys. There's you. Four and a half stars. That's very good! You should be proud of yourself buddy."

"Yeah your dick pic made Quinn so jealous he ran right back to Debbie," Pam said. "So that's kind of an accomplishment in itself."

"Is that Archer on…?" Cyril gasped.

"Yeah Archer slept with her before you did," Ray sighed. "Just like always."

"At least you got a higher score than Archer," Cheryl said helpfully. "And Woodhouse!"

"What?" Cyril asked. He looked at the screen and used his mouse to click on something. Sounds of a rave was shown. "So Woodhouse had a rave while we were in San Marcos?"

"Yeah we weren't the only ones having a serious party that weekend," Pam said as she clicked on another part of the website. "See? You're in the top three percent! You beat out Archer, Woodhouse, Barry, Slater, Conway Stern…Not Brett though. But he's dead so that's not so bad. And Bilbo too so…"

"Sorry Huggy Bear," Ray patted Cyril on the back.

"Oh. Okay…" Cyril blinked as he got up. "So…I'm gonna go in my office. For a while. And shut the door. Please don't disturb me."

Cyril did so. "So, what do you think?" Pam asked. "Crying or masturbating?"

"It's Cyril so…" Ray shrugged. "A little bit of both actually."

"Yeah…" Pam agreed.

"Hey guys," Lana walked in. "Mallory's not coming in today…What the…? What did you guys do?"

"What does it look like we did?" Ray sighed.

"It looks like you guys just sat around all weekend drinking, watching porn and eating Chinese food," Lana said. "And KFC."

"That's a pretty accurate description I have to admit," Pam yawned. "I'm going home."

"Me too," Cheryl yawned.

"Technically I am home so…" Krieger shrugged. "See ya."

"Wait where is everybody going?" Lana asked as people started to leave.

"Lana it's been a long weird weekend," Ray said. "We're going to go home to sleep it off."

"So you're all just leaving me alone in the office?" Lana asked.

"Well Cyril's here…" Ray admitted. "Physically at least."

"Let's just see what Cyril has to say…" Lana began to walk towards Cyril's office.

"I uh wouldn't go in there if I were you Lana," Ray warned. "Cyril had a busy weekend and needs some time alone. So uh…Just wait for him to come out. Or just go home because spoiler alert… **Nothing** is going to get done today even if a hundred clients show up at our doorstep. Trust me on this."

"What exactly went on this weekend?" Lana asked.

"Honestly honey," Ray sighed. "You **don't** want to know…"


End file.
